Whispers in the Wind

"Consistency, Consistency, Consistency."

Wed, 28 May 2008 18:49:05 GMT

I am going to write a book.

If I say it enough, I'll be too shamefaced to not finish the book. It's a tip from a writer's website. I'll find out at the end of the summer if it works. But at the moment, in between stressing out over money, reading a fantastically horrible novel (Don't read Anne Bishop's Sebastien), and way too many episodes of Sex and the City, I am attempting to write my first fantasy novel. My number one goal of my book? "Don't be cliche, don't be cliche, don't be cliche." Anyway, Boyfriend's loving it so far, and he's quite a cynical critic of the arts (and usually hates my writing), so I believe it's a good sign for me.

So far, my summer has been pretty damn fabulous. I feel like I'm emerging from a nightmarish winter (it was just a nightmare, right?). It's crazy how the little things are what's helping me become more and more myself again. I've always wanted to do ballet - took classes for a year or two when I was younger but never returned to it. Since I needed to work out anyway, I turned the grueling horror that is jogging into more enjoyable sessions of old ballet routines. Now, I found an adult ballet summer class, and I'm looking forward to joining it in June. Writing my stories helped too; I've always felt the most comfortable in a world of my own making.

And finally...there is Victoria's Secret. I almost forgot how fantastic it feels to spend way too much money on clothes. Ah...the semi-annual sale ought to be a national holiday.

Boyfriend will be moving back in June...and then I leave for school out of state in August. It'll be our second year in the long distance relationship. I do have the option to stay with him in Colorado, but I actually chose this. I hope it's the right decision. I figured, first year law school will be the most difficult. My unavailability will be even more pronounced if we're living together. Choosing to finish assignments over spending time with him could easily be misconstrued as distance in our relationship. So I figured we have a higher chance of breaking up if we are together than apart. Only for the first year of course. Hopefully by the 2nd year, I'll find out where I will go permanenty and we can finally get a condo or house.

Then there will be the puppy and life will be complete.

Let's see if I'm eating my words in a year.

Thu, 08 May 2008 05:54:17 GMT

I received a phone call from a former friend's mother today. She calls each and every year to "inquire" how I'm doing. It's more like a fucking interrogation. She called up today, and the first thing she said was,

"Oh you're going into law are you? So is my daughter. What did you get on your LSAT?"

Um wtf? How about, none of your fucking business?

She didn't even BOTHER with a polite, "hey, how are you doing." Just slammed in question after question, "Where are you going to school? What's your GPA?"

Oh and of course, the classic: "How tall are you now?"

I don't even know why this stuff still gets to me. It's just so infuriating, for the entire year of difficulties I have dealt with, to have her sit there and JUDGE me based on the scores I got from a few fucking tests. Not only just judge (because if she just judged, I wouldn't care this much), but she's like the entire Asian community, just WAITING for me to fail (she's not the only one who calls every year to express their "concern for how I'm doing," she's just the most tactless one.)Yes, it sucks I beat her daughter in swimming when we were TEN YEARS OLD, and I happen to be 5'11' when their whole family strives to be above 5 ft tall, but it is just RUDE and INSENSITIVE to sit there, waiting to hear if I've fallen flat on my face. God, if she's only known that not only have I fallen flat on my face already this year, but I've broken every bone on the way down, she'd shut her damn mouth. But I'd be dead before I let her have that satisfaction.

You've gotta wonder if the only reason why petty people like them exist in the world is because they've never faced any real problems themselves.

Ok. End of rant.

Asian Parents

Thu, 29 Mar 2007 15:16:31 GMT

I hung out with Adam on Tuesday and I must say it was quite interesting. I don't really get this guy at all. Just when I think I've pegged him to be the creative, artsy, and deep type, I get the feeling that he doesn't live that kind of life. He definitely isn't like me; eating fast food, watching trashy reality tv, etc. But on the other hand, he seems like some variation of superman; he's been at an internship at Princeton since he was like 17, majoring in a combination of creative writing and neuroscience, and mathematics, and now he's modeling. I mean he's doing software development or something and he never even went to school to learn it...he just got hired by a company and picked it up somehow. Lol he seems like the anomaly to everything my parents have taught me; that it takes hard work to get rewards.

But anyway, back to my humble life...tension between parents because I'm living at home is killing me.

Dad: But why would you want to move out? You have everything here and all the freedom you want!
Me: Maybe because you're watching my every move like a hawk seething with judgmental glares...
Dad: What do you mean? I never tell you what to do.
Me: Then why is it every time I have gone out during this springbreak, you have called to me to tell me to come home and study my LSAT?
Dad: Those were just friendly reminders!
Me: You yelled at me, gave me the silent treatment, and then told me I'll never make it into law school...

Ugh and don't even get me started on him and the Asian culture clashing with my very western relationship with Matt. God, if only I had eight thousand dollars...I'd buy a condo and move out right now...well that and if I knew where I was going to law school.

Springbreak!

Tue, 27 Mar 2007 15:02:38 GMT

I am so happy Springbreak is here. I'm not doing anything for it but it definitely feels good to NOT to be doing anything. Matt and I may be going to Colorado Springs this weekend to visit the Seven Falls. That was the first place I went to when I first moved to Colorado and in my childish brain from back then, it seemed like such a magical place. I just really hope it doesn't rain and snow even though the forecast is leaning towards it.

I don't know what's going to happen with Matt and I. We did break up but I'm definitely not over him and it doesn't help that he's not over me either. I still don't regret the break up because it really helped me grow and made our friendship stronger but as far as getting back together, I have a few things against it. First, there's the ever impending doom of the possibility that he is going away in May to some other state wherever he gets a job. Second, the possibility that I may be moving to another state by next January - depending on what law school I get into. So...I'm not so sure I want to get super involved in anything.

I'm going to go see Adam today. For some reason he makes me super shy. With any other guy I'm pretty outgoing and confident, but something about him makes me blabber like an idiot. I think it's because he pauses a lot when he speaks...whereas most people vocalize their thinking process when the silence goes too long. Quiet people makes me nervous lol. I feel like they're mocking me with their silence.

Last Thursday I went to a club and it was so much fun! It's been a long time since I've gone and I now realize how much I missed it. It really makes you less self conscious of your body. After one night, I'm super confident about doing whatever I want and being a spastic idiot.

Matt and I visited his friend Bryan at the store he works at. He's works security and he was telling us how they check out girls on the security cameras. I guess they're bored a lot so they follow hot girls from camera go camera and rate how hot they are. Lol... just to think about all the things I've done in a store...eckers. I am never never wearing a low cut shirt to a store again. Never know who's watching haha.

Breakup

Wed, 21 Feb 2007 19:41:11 GMT

I broke up with my boyfriend. We'd been going out for two years and now it's actually over. It's so hard to go back to being single again. Aside from the mind numbing pain that comes from knowing your best friend and what I thought was going to be the man I spent the rest of my life with no longer being around at all, I seem to have forgotten how to be single. It's funny...when a serious relationship ends, the things that make you miss that person the most are the little things. Like the way I don't have anyone to talk to before I go to bed or how I get significantly less text messages througout a long day.

I have to admit I'm really scared about going back to being single. What if I never find anyone else in my life and I am left alone? It wasn't so bad before I decided to meld my life to another person, but now that the person I've been with almost every single day is gone, I've never felt so alone before in my life. And what about the future? I had built all my dreams, career, plans around this relationship and now I feel like not only am I losing the person I love, I'm losing my entire future with him.

Even so, I don't regret that it's over. I look back through this journal and every single private entry that was written every weekend in the last couple of months evidenced how bad the relationship was getting. There were too many problems and things left unsaid. Those can be forgiven. But the last two weeks were the worst and the damage has been done. There's nothing left to forgive or go back to. We are not angry at each other anymore. The break up had been fairly mutual. Maybe in a couple of months we'll be friends again. Here's hoping.

I actually should document here that we broke up on February 19. Exactly two months before our two year anniversary.

Wed, 14 Feb 2007 18:32:16 GMT

Oh Valentine's Day, how I hate you.

Thinking...

Tue, 23 Jan 2007 17:54:15 GMT

If you can't drink at your own wedding...you're probably too young to get married.

School work, and textbooks, and essays, oh my!

Fri, 19 Jan 2007 20:39:24 GMT

I should update this more regularly...

I have such a hard time writing in here for some reason. The times when I have the greatest urge to say stuff is usually when I'm pissed off or sad...but I don't want to read through entries later that just records the crappy days I've had.

Anyway, Mike and I hung out for the first time in like a year. We had a fun time reminiscing and talking about the stuff that's been going on in our lives. Heh, he's still getting high all the time, which I found quite amusing. Since I've met him, I have completely reversed roles with him - now I'm all straight edged and he's the crazy kid smoking pot in the corner of every party. lol...

Yesterday, Boyfriend and I talked for a really long time. I think it was the first time I have seriously talked about the way I felt since our big fight. It really sounds like he's changing a lot...which is a good thing because I'm sick of being the one that has to compromise all the time when we have problems. He was being really mature and understanding...lol he even promised not to make fun of me so much anymore. I also think I need to change just a bit though...I mean, just because he didn't always show his appreciation of me didn't mean I had the right to threaten to break up with him to get him to care. Ecky...relationships are just so much work after a time but even though I've wanted to break up with him so many times, I just can't...I love him too much. Lol but during this whole fight, I thought it was hilarious how all our friends think we're perfect for each other even when we were losing faith.

So far, classes are going well for the most part. I am so disappointed in my Ancient Eyptian Civilization class though! I mean this is a class that people only take because they enjoy it because what's not to like? You have Pharoahs, gods, wars, dynasties, and all the exotic goodness of the world wrapped into one, and somehow the professor has made it boring! He's really really mean but that wouldn't be so bad if he didn't talk in a gibberish monotone under his breath. Lol I have more fun watching the people in the class fall asleep than listening to him. And of course he takes attendance... Oh well, at least the textbook is interesting.

I LOVE my Business Law class. It's not typical for people to like a class like this but I love my professor. I mean, she's actually managed to make law and business interesting! There's so much I didn't know about the judicial system...and I like that I can know some things that are applicable and essential to living in this country...things that keep you from getting ripped off and screwed.

Ah...and my Child Abuse class. It's really interesting but sooo sad. God, we've only had two classes and I always walk out of there so depressed. I swear, some people are just not meant to have kids...and I'm definitely beginning to realize I'm not meant to be a Psychologist. I mean how crappy would it be if I got depressed after listening to my patients everyday? Either I'll completely fall apart after a while or I'll harden myself and learn to ignore the painful things in life and become completely insensitive to other people.

I am incapable of writing short entries. Maybe by updating more frequently, my posts will be shorter...

A bad day on top of a bad hair day!

Tue, 09 Jan 2007 23:29:33 GMT

I would just like to take a moment to talk about how crappy I feel right now. Ever since eleven this morning my brain seems to have exploded and I have the most intense migraine in the world. That makes me not want to do anything except sleep but unfortunately I have been at work where the phones are ringing off the hook with "prestigious professors" who can't seem to figure out how to reset their passwords. Arrgh!!

This idiot guy from the Physics department called today to get his password changed. To CHANGE A PASSWORD TO AN ACCOUNT THAT DOESN"T EXIST!! When I told him he wasn't in our system, he said, "What??! I am a Associate Professor, head of the Physics department. I have been working here for 32 years. How can I not be in the system?"

Um...because you never signed up for it??!! It doesn't matter if you're the goddamn president, if you never took the time to file in the paperwork, new accounts don't just magically appear!

URRRGGGHH!!! God I hate today. Boyfriend and I had also been fighting like crazy the last couple of days and I'm just soooo tired. My emotions are flailing around with no forseeable stability and I haven't felt this much like a girl in a long time.

I did get boyfriend to stop playing Warcraft with me though. I'm so sick of that game. No matter what I do (whether I don't play or I play), we fight over this game at least once a week. We fight because of the things that go on IN the game. Argh. No game...muchless a stupid computer game should ever come in between a serious relationship.

The New Year

Wed, 03 Jan 2007 19:37:39 GMT

Wow. What a crazy year! I think 2006 is one of the biggest years in my life; I made so many life changing decisions.

Let's see...2006 is the year I pretty much lost contact with Mike, who was one of my best friends in 2005.
I got off all my medications for bipolar after realizing my doctor was an idiot. Woohoo!
My relationship with Matt was strengthened while friendships weakened.
Decided to stay an extra year in college.
Ditched the idea of going into graduate school for Psychology (which had been ingrained in my brain for my entire college life).
Decided to go to Law School.
Made straight A's for the first time since 8th grade. So I have my confidence in school back :-)
I got completely out of shape. First year I've felt it since I quit swimming two years ago.

*sigh* Christmas was awesome. Had one of the best Christmas eve dinners with my parents. The holidays have been somewhat uneventful aside from the mad amount of money I have been dumping into stores.

Now that things have slowed down a little bit, Matt and I will probably take a short little vacation away from home for a night or two before we are plunged back into the hell that is college.

This semester, I have to capture a professor who is willing to supervise my senior thesis, apply for some scholarships for next year, and study hard for the LSAT. God, law school is so competitive if you don't have a good GPA and LSAT score index, they don't even look at the rest of your application.

Busy busy semester but at least I'm taking some fun classes: Ancient Egyptian civilization :-D Haha it's great to stay an extra year; I get all the easy classes I should have taken as a Freshman!

Tue, 05 Dec 2006 22:55:27 GMT

Ugh. My birthday is coming up. I am finally turning the big 20. The strange thing is I always hated that I was so young because I hang out mostly with people in my class who are around 21 or 22...and not to mention I was always embarrassed when my teachers or coworkers would ask how old I was because 19 seemed...so immature. But now that the big day is coming up in a week, I don't wanna leave my teenage years. This decade is going to be so much more dramatic and scary than the last decade. What did I do last decade...go to middle school, dragged through high school, and entered college. And now this decade, I'm supposed to graduate, get a real job, get married, have kids...so basically I actually have to grow up! Dammit!

Maybe I'm overthinking this...

Anyway, update on my school stuff, I've decided to stop persuing a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology...instead I'm going to *drumroll*...Law School!! Woot! I kind of realized that the only reason why I wanted to go into psychology was because if I opened up my own business, I would only have to work like 4 hours a day. Well, that and I like helping people. But I kind of realized that if I was gonna be a shrink, the only thing I would really be doing is listening to some overweight guy complain about how his marriage is failing and his life is ending..blahblahblah. I mean, how often would I actually get to make a real difference in a person who was actually in distress? Considering how emotional I get over other people's problems, I've always been afraid I'll burn out.

I decided on law school the day E-Bay screwed me over.

Back up. Ok two weeks ago I ditched class and went to Target instead where I happened to bump into a Playstation 3 that had been shipped to the store unannounced two hours ago. Woot! I bought it for 600 bucks and was gonna sell it on Ebay for a thousand.

That's when Ebay screwed me over. I posted the thing twice and each time they charged me like fifteen bucks. They kept taking my thing down for stupid reasons when really...they didn't want me to post my auction because I was a new seller (no ratings). Grr pissed me off so bad. This was not the first time I've been screwed over by a major company. I spent like 2 hours hunting down all their company policies before I wrote a very angry email to Ebay.

Got my money back.

Lol so I realized I'm pretty good at arguing these kind of stuff. I'm also a fairly decent writer (much better at writing and reading than at math), I'm good at memorizing shit when I commit myself, so why the hell shouldn't I use it in my future career?? It's not like I enjoy research or going to school for another decade.

So yay! Law school!

God, my entries are boring. I shall be more dynamic once winterbreak gets here. Right now

I = Stressed over finals and billions of term papers.

Getting my soul drained at work

Thu, 09 Nov 2006 20:32:05 GMT

So much has happened in this last month. But the end result is: I have tons more time and am a lot more motivated in school.

I decided to stay another year in school before I apply for a graduate program because I realized that if I had one more year, I can put together an application that can get me into a top school with scholarships. This came about after I talked to one of my professors from last year. Apparently my grades (mediocre) and GRE scores (pretty good) are good enough to get me past the first cut for most schools. But for a clinical program (which only accepts 5-6 people per year), they focus a lot more on reccomendations from top professors (second cut). If I manage to wow them on that, they look at my research experience and essay. After that I fly over for an interview. So for next year, I'm writing a senior honors thesis (got my professor targeted already) and taking a few more classes to raise my GPA so I can graduate with honors. Need to get a research assistance job, and finally I may retake some of my GRE tests just to see if I can up the scores even more. Ugh, the most important thing I need to do this year is get scholarships for next year. I don't wanna hafta pay for another year of college ever again.

Getting an apartment with Boyfriend next year is going to be a huge challenge. I briefly talked it over with my Asian mother and she was really troubled by the idea...and also the idea of telling my dad. They're going to see this as the ultimate betrayal...just like every year I've moved out, but this time I'm going to be with the boyfriend. I think Matt and I would have to get engaged. That's the only way I can think of this working out. Lol the funny thing is, I really don't want a long engagement and even more heinous, I don't want to get married before I'm 25. What is ironic is my parents' close mindedness and prudeness is in fact forcing me to get hitched at an incredibly young age just so I can continue in this relationship. I'm getting really tired of constantly trying to live in their world and make them happy at the same time I am surrounded in a totally different culture. If they don't compromise soon, I feel like I'm going to snap and just do something completely stupid. Grr...stupid parents making my life hard.

Sleeping at Work

Tue, 10 Oct 2006 19:34:39 GMT

Last week in my Jewish/German writing class, some students were being really big assholes to my teacher. They were being really really mean, to the point where he got a little teary eyed while he was trying to talk. I have to admit that he's not the best teacher, but he's a really good guy and he definitely did not deserve comments like, "I'm wasting $60 a class. Can we please do something productive." comments. So I don't know what came over me, but I felt really bad for him...afterall, he was just trying to be nice when he asked us what we thought of our quiz/class...so I wrote him an email that basically just said that not everyone in the class felt the same way as the assholes. He is afterall the teacher and I don't think anyone deserves to be disrespected like that.

And then I had a dream that he wrote something really mean back. I hope he doesn't. I'm not trying to kiss up or gain any kind of favor by writing him an email so I'm not expecting anything in reply, but it would be nice to know he felt a bit better about the whole thing. I had a teacher in high school once that cried in class and I didn't say anything. This time, I felt somewhat morally obligated to reassure him that there are still people who support him in class.

So what's been going on recently...

Boyfriend and I went on a little getaway at a hotel last Saturday. It was much fun but now I'm hopelessly exhausted.

I bought an uber hair straightner...cost a bit more than I'd wanted to spend (around 130) but I think this is one of the best things I've ever invested in in my life. I'd rather spend a big chunk of money on something I want and will use rather than waste money on a whole bunch of crap that never work. So yay :-) Now I have smooth sleek hair.

I've decided I'm not doing Neuroscience in grad school. As interesting as things are, the only actual job you can get is a researcher. And as a researcher, you rarely deal with the entire brain, you take slices of it, stimulate it, and read graphs from computers all day. I've never liked working with machine...even if the machine is measuring something human. So I'm apply to clinical psychology directly. Glad I got my career choice down at least.

Haven't been this explicit in a while, but who the hell cares?? Haha!!

Wed, 27 Sep 2006 03:52:44 GMT

Lol oh my god.. the pain just won't stop. Now that I finished one GRE test, I'm overwhelmed with one test after another. It doesn't help that I haven't done anything for school since it started. On top of that my teacher lied. He told us we're having a quiz this friday. So I think, "Oh, small quiz worth about 2% of our grade and just an overview." But I check today, and the "quiz" is worth 15% of our grade in the class *nervously bites my nail.*

Hehe despite the overwhelming desire to move to Ireland and live as a hermit I have decided against it because I have found my Holy Grail author. and I would not be able to live without her books from now on. I love this author, J.R. Ward. She's such a fucking talented writer she makes me cream my panties. I so wish I can capture beauty as well as the truth the way she does; every word she writes is the ideal sophisticated perspicuity, every picture she paints is aesthetically satisfying. Everything is just...perfection... The fact that her specified genre is paranormal romance makes it ten times better in my eyes. It's authors like Ward that make me want to write.

Romance in real life has been fucking amazing too. Lol won't go into too much details in that area.

Every moment in my life right now feels so alive. I haven't been this happy in a very long time. Hehe I love that no matter what shit goes on in this trip called life, I can spend ten minutes with the person I love, or the things that make me happy and I'm ready to go again.

Busy Busy Updates

Thu, 07 Sep 2006 18:04:48 GMT

Lasik went well. Doctors expect 20/20 vision and a high chance for 15/20...but I can't read the computer screen right now. Can't wear eye make up either in case of infection till Friday...*pouts* on that.

Behind in school because GRE is coming up. Behind on GRE review too. From the way things look, I'm expecting to get close to perfect scores on verbal and the essays, but completely fail the math.

Got stood up for the first time today waiting for Matt in the morning. We're taking a class together called Asian American Studies. Lol. There's a girl in there who hates her ethnicity...she does everything against the stereotype of Asians. I think that's why she started taking drugs and went into rehab...maybe by not being smart, she's demonstrating her individualism...

Funfunfun life. No time to do anything anymore. After the 16th, I can breath again.

Words

Thu, 24 Aug 2006 14:20:41 GMT

I went in for my consultation for Lasik. My prescription sucked: for glasses it's like -8.0 or soemthing. Apparently I'm even more blind than I thought. However, apparently my cornea is much thicker than normal and I guess it's a good thing since they have more tissue to work with...so that works out to my advantage at least. Ack, I need this so bad because if I ever don't have my glasses or my contacts fall out, I'm completely crippled; having them fall out in the middle of swim practice is such a pain in the butt. Oh right, speaking of pain in asses, I have to wear my glasses for a week! I've never worn glasses for that long because they give me headaches. And they're also very outdated so I don't think I'll be able to drive. Lol and of course I'll be wearing them for when school starts...and swim team starts. But at least by next Friday, I'll never need them again :-)

I bumped into Dan Reed yesterday while I was shopping for books. I was so embarrassed because I'd spent the night at the Boyfriend's house and hadn't showered in nearly three days-I looked awful and smelled even worse. Lol I didn't think I would meet anyone I know before I got home! I shouldn't care really but it's one of those things where no matter who it is, if you're seeing someone for the first time in several years, you want to make a good impression. Anyway, he transferred over last semester and hangs out frequently with the highschool friends.

Speaking of high school friends, one of my few remaining ones have jumped ship: Jillian. Tis kind of sad but she's always been the type to pair off exculsively with someone and now I guess it's Jippy. Oh well, at least she didn't die like I thought she had lol.

And finally, I splurged too much on make up this week. I went to buy a Shiseido mascara base because it got rave reviews in my Asian Beauty communtiy: But then somehow after a very pushy salesperson at the make up counter and my weakness towards mascara, I also got the new Chanel Inimitable mascara: I hate pushy salespeople. I hate my weak will even more :-P

Legend of the Cursed Computer

Mon, 21 Aug 2006 15:58:42 GMT

I have to say that yesterday was one of the worst days to ever exist in my life. It all started when Matty decided to give me his computerfor the purpose of playing wow the night before and I stayed up freakishly late putting in this new user interface called Insomniax (courtesy of persian_guy). Now for most people who know me, I am pretty much computer illiterate and I choose to believe some sort of magic happens when I hit a key on the keyboard and it mysteriously transforms into the screen as a letter I can see. So to sit around and figure out how to manipulate the little user interface seriously took about 3 hours. I go to bed happy as a duck. The next morning, boyfriend decided he wanted an external hardrive so we troop down to two stores and find one. Long story short, after he took out my hardrive, somehow the thing got fried and we completely lost everything including the operating system and my goddam user interface. WORSE than all that, my dad had let us borrow his little flash drive thingy and it had been plugged in the back when the computer died, so it fried my DAD'S flash drive. He'd been using it as a backup for his entire project at work and the day before, he'd just deleted it from his computer so he lost EVERYTHING. All his work and documents. The thing wouldn't even work after that. I felt soooo bad because when he'd given it to me he told me it had some important information in it and I needed to be careful. In my mind, I also kept on seeing how happy he was when he showed me his flash drive for the first time. Ugh so I trooped down to Wal-Mart at 11 at night and bought another one for 80 bucks. I come back to show it to him and the first thing he says is,

"What the fuck did you buy that for? You don't know anything about this." Grr...

Anyway, I don't want to go in anymore details because that computer was seriously out to get me yesterday. Everything we connected to it broke and it scratched up the Windows XP cd when we tried to reinstall the operating system. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate computers? People and their neuroses I can deal with...electronics no.

The other bad part about yesterday was my attempt to bring up a slight change in career with my dad. I told him a possible route to take would be getting an MBA and going into human resources and having the company pay for my Ph.D. I was so excited about being motivated about my career again, but he just shot it down completely.

"You have to at least get a Harvard MBA to have it matter at all. Any good school will require at least 3 years of job experience before they'll let you even apply for their program. The human resources people in my company earn next to nothing. They're all slackers and only the guy with a harvard MBA is remotely important in that useless department." blah blah blah.

Ecky okay enough bad stuff.

This is something I'm really really looking forward to: Due to the lack of privacy since Matty and I have moved back in with the parents, we're taking a little vacation this Friday/weekend. We're going to rent a hotel room for a night or two in Denver or Aspen before school starts. I'm so sick of being around parents. We can never be alone! Gah, my parents make it a point to scream at me every 5 min and insist we keep the door open even though all we're doing is playing warcraft. They're insane.

Also for Winterbreak, we're thinking of making a trip to Hawaii. If we go through a travel agency, we can get the cost down to about $700 for both of us for about a week. Yay! I'm excited. Got to start saving money now!

I am posting a lot today

Mon, 14 Aug 2006 18:42:08 GMT

Now for a real journal entry...

I'm getting a consultation for Lasik on Thursday *does happy dance.* The only reason why I'm doing it so early is because we're going to have a excess amout of medical insurance money by the end of the year and if we don't use it this year, it'll expire by January. I don't even know if my eyes have stabilized yet. I think it has. But just to be sure, I wanted to make sure the place I go to has a lifetime gurantee so I can get touchups later if I need to. I'm so excited! No more contacts!!

A woman I work with wants to hire me to teach her 10 year old daughter how to swim once school starts. Lol I'm nervous about it but it's been so exciting thinking about it. I'm actually going to be earning money from swimming! Lol the thousands of dollars we've paid every year for 10 years are finally going to be of use :-) I hope I'm a good teacher because even though I've swam forever, I've never actually taught anyone successfully. Let's hope I don't space out and accidentally drown the kid.

I've been writing again and it's so wonderful to let the creative juices flow. Hehe I daresay my writing has improved because of my GRE vocab too. I hope it was an improvement; either it got more sophisticated or I'm just using pompous verbiage to get the same simple point across. Anyway, it feels good to do something I enjoy again.

math, birth control, and periods! oh my!

Wed, 09 Aug 2006 16:40:49 GMT

Apparently it is very much possible to pass a calculus class without ever knowing how to divide decimal numbers and work with fractions. I have been reviewing my math for the GRE and I seriously realized that there are things I haven't done since 5th grade. The square root has been a completely meaningless button on the calculator for the past ten years, I didn't even know you could add and subtract proper fractions, and since when did negative signs affect inequalitites? And I don't think in my entire life, anyone has ever told me a factorial is not the same as a factor. Gah! Lol I can't believe I'm going to graduate school and I don't know this stuff! I am the worse math student in the world.

Not much has happened lately. I've been considering Depo Provera for birth control. It's nice because it's a shot I can take every three months and I wouldn't have to worry about it at all during that time. Unfortunately, after going on their website and reviewing the test results of this medication, I found out it reduces the bone density in the thoracic vertebrae by 5% the first year, 3% the second year, and continues on for as long as the patient takes it. They don't even let you take this med for longer than two years. I'm not sure having the bone desity of a 60 yr old at the age of 30 is worth not having periods for two years...lol. Or maybe it is...

Strappy Sandals are Love

Wed, 02 Aug 2006 22:03:58 GMT

Damn I need to stop salivating to Manolo Blahniks online. I think if I ever make a trip to Cali or New York I may need to cart an extra $600 with me. And yes it's a ridiculous price for shoes. And yes I may be a bit insane, but I think I deserve one. I haven't bought anything extravagant since my $300 coat last year. Oh wait, I just bought a $200 futon this weekend. Dammit! So on the subject of futons, I've been freakishly busy this weekend with redecorating the house. I converted the middle study room into...well a study room but with futons and tv. We did our final-ish check out of our house in Louisville. Stupid Phyllis Greene and her stupid agency. When we were doing the walk through, it became painfully obvious she wanted at least $100 no matter what. "Oh but these fan blades are dusty. And the walls are dirty- oh wait, it's clean. But this other thing is not clean." Blah blah so she wanted $180 in the end. We ended up selling Derek's washer and dryer for $180 lol so now we technically get our entire deposits back.

I have a sneaking suspicion that my body is trying to kill itself. It hates me being the owner so much that it's actually trying to kill itself. At some point in my life it must have decided that I forced one too many soggy Macdonald's french fry in, and now it's going on strike by not producing the enzyme that breaks down lactose. Now, everytime I enjoy my favorite foods of cheese, milk, cream, and yummy greasy dairy food, it's going to give me mind-numbing-stomach-curling-crying-like-a-baby sharp pains. In response to this strike, I've decided to ignore all the side effects and continue with my diet. But recently I've started to realize it's as stubborn as I am. Grr. Stupid body.

So Sushi-Boy John whom I dated about a week last year (same guy I kicked off the bed while in a drunken singing stupor after he told me he was dating another girl), just got engaged this weekend. That's right. The girl, he had been dating while he was dating me, has agreed to marry him. His engagement to the girl Lisa, whom I will now refer to as the Crazy Controlling Femminist, is a somewhat peculiar one. For one, just about a month ago, he was telling Matty about how he didn't even want to move in with the CCF muchless marry her. And he didn't actually propose to her...I guess they ended up talking for about a week and just decided to get engaged. They're waiting two years (after she graduates) before they get married. I found this extremely shocking and it was so out of place I strongly believe there is something else going on. He's like the most anti-commitment guy I've ever met...lol next to Rob, she's my age and getting married, and they're waiting two years! Anyway, I suspect this might be another Ming&Andy engagement where it'll fall apart before they'll actually get to the date. Matt and I were talking about it and we both fessed up that there are some doubts with marrying each other...but that's natural in every relationship and every marriage. People worry...I mean I don't want to get married until I'm at least in my mid-20's and even then, it'll be somewhat scary. And if I marry anyone, it'll probably be Matt, but that doesn't mean, I don't have doubts. And having doubts doesn't mean it'll keep us from marriage...I think bringing it to the surface just means we're actually honest with each other. But when Matt talked to Sushi-Boy John, he said he had no doubts at all... um who are you trying to fool? yourself?

Lol I think I'm starting to sound bitter but I'm really not. I'm happy they're getting married...even though I don't like the CCF. Tis simply an odd situation.

Mini survey

Fri, 28 Jul 2006 21:05:12 GMT

Go to Wikipedia and look up your birthday (excluding the year). List
three neat facts, two births and one death in your journal, including
the year.

December 12
1098 - First Crusade: Massacre of Ma'arrat al-Numan - Crusaders breach the town's walls and massacre about 20,000 inhabitants. After finding themselves with insufficient food, they resort to cannibalism.
1870 - Joseph H. Rainey of South Carolina becomes the first black U.S. congressman.
1941 - World War II: Great Britain declares war on Bulgaria. Hungary and Romania declare war on the United States. India declares war on Japan

Births:
1915 - Frank Sinatra, American singer and actor (d. 1998)
1934 - Miguel de la Madrid, President of Mexico

Death:
1586 - Stefan Batory, King of Poland

Some sort of beginning

Wed, 26 Jul 2006 22:25:21 GMT

There was a discussion topic on one of the communities I'm in about the reasons why one chooses to date within their race or outside of it. I responded in kind: that I like to date outside my race, but I hope it didn't sound racist. Lol I've never really thought about race before when it comes to dating but I definitely think I prefer white guys over Asian. Physically...there's a component to it, but mainly I think the hardcore Asians are way too different from me to ever work. I have it in my head that they're...complicated and more inclined to dishonesty. Then again, I tend to think that the Chinese culture tolerate lies and rely on fakeness more in general so it's not just about dating. Eh, so I guess I'll endure the stares from Asians when they see interracial couples. It's funny because it's always the Asians (mostly girls) that stare, not Americans. Wow...maybe I am racist against my own race. Maybe not racist but "cultural-ist" lol because I prefer one culture over another - not necessarily race. I mean, I have had a lot of Asian friends, but they're all very Americanized in their way of thinking and living. I also find Asian guys to be hot if they have a personality like mine. So...nope I'm not racist. Lol I'd feel bad if I were racist against my own race. That'd make me a bit hypocritical. Just a bit.

Anyway, rant aside the last couple of days have been exhausting ones. I rented a U-haul yesterday and moved out furnitures. That was awful. I'm so weak since I stopped swimming and I felt like such a dumbass because I couldn't help out very much. Lol and then my dad was not happy with me when I got home because I did physical labor. Haha I can't believe he still divides work between "boy work" and "girl work". Maybe if he'll get over that one day, he'll teach me how to fix cars. Anyway, now I'm definitely a bum living with mommy and daddy. But at least by the end of the year, I'll be a rich bum. They were supposed to re-do the basement so I can have the whole basement to myself but from the way things are going, we're not going to be able to get it done. Instead, I've bargained with them for me to lay claims to the study. If they give it to me, I'm going to repaint the whole room, get a futon, a tv, and a big desk. That way, when Boyfriend comes over, we'll have our own place to chill and study without being under the scrutiny of the parents.

Everyday this summer has been magical and I'm kind of sad it's coming to an end. The date for my GRE test has officially been set to September 16. Now that I've registered, it's becoming a reality and I'm motivated to study. I'm looking forward to school because I'm taking bullshit classes to raise my GPA: Greek & Roman tragedy, Philosophy of religion, Shakespeare, Social Construction/ Sexuality, and the one class that matters : Neurobiology of Learning and Memory. Fun stuff. I'm only going to to have class MWF unless I decide to take a Chinese language class, which will be 5 days a week. I'm also registering for their swim club and I'm uber excited about that :-) I just realized this is the first time I'm going to school while living at my rents' house in two years. Everything's so different though because I'm getting along really well with my parents so far.

I've been playing warcraft a little crazily lately with Matty. It's not my fault he now has two computers at his parents house and mine doesn't crash every 5 minutes. He wants me to spend the night more often at his parents house but I feel so awful. I feel even worse than when I'm spending the night with him at my rents' house. His parents are nice and so awesome but I get the weird feeling that they think I'm a slut when I spend the night. Lol and this had nothing to do with the fact that Boyfriend and I kept them up with our late night activities the very first time I spent the night there. Man, I may have hated the Louisville house with a passion, but it sucks not having a place where I can be alone with Matty. *sigh* Guess I can't have it all. Well, at least until I get married. Lol.

There's much stuff to write because I've been quite contemplative lately - a result of being bored probably, but this entry is long enough. Shall continue a later.

Quiz this year compared to last year

Thu, 20 Jul 2006 01:59:02 GMT

Last year 6/5/2005

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is 100%. You are not suited for a monogamous relationship.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

This Year:

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

LMAO the only thing that's changed is the fact that I'm not going to cheat! And the marriage ideals. I can't believe it-I couldn't even bullshit these answers if I wanted to. You pick animals for answer so I couldn't have known what each answer meant. Hehe tis amusing.

boys as friends?

Thu, 20 Jul 2006 01:30:24 GMT

Over the last couple of years, I have made the discovery that I get alone much much better with guys than with girls. So during the first year and a half in college, I befriended many of them. But I have noticed that since I began dating, many have often stopped talking to me and I have made highly unsuccessful attempts to find...replacements. Why? Case and point:

Around the time Matt and I hooked up, a guy friend I had been on good terms with expressed that he would like to date. Since Matt and I are still together, that friend and I have stopped talking for nearly half a year.

I became friends with a guy from class, we'll call Exhibit B. He thought I was single for a long time and started hanging out with me, but then once I told him I was in a relationship and a happy one at that, no word from him for half a year.

This recently happened once again with another guy.

Based on all these evidence, I've come up with two possible reasons for this phenomenon.
1) I have changed a lot since I got in a relationship and people find me boring.
2) Guys my age are horny bastards and will only befriend a girl if they see a possibility of dating them.

And so I can only befriend 1) Guys who are already dating (and that gets awkward because there's a "line" that may get crossed and may result in angry partners), 2) Gay guys, 3) Non-shallow men <-- rare breed.

Meanwhile, I need to start making some more girl friends to buff up my diminishing friends list. Unfotunately with girls, things often get emotional and dramatic. Me emotional and dramatic not them (thinks about Jillian's unreturned calls which might indicate either she's mad or she's dead). But nothing's more emotional and dramatic than trying to think up a good way of telling a guy friend you're already taken and wondering if they'll stop talking to you because of it. I am griping muchly because I noticed my dying friends list have finally plateued and I am left with almost no friends. True, part of it may have been me neglecting some party people because I've turned angelic and un-wild, but the dramatic decrease in the boy version of friends had to account for another reason.

So...this is my official effort to finally open up my window and try to befriend girls. This will be a difficult task since I haven't found any new girl friends in over 4 years - I'm not sure how to approach them. lol. But we shall see how it goes!

Not awake...not asleep.

Wed, 19 Jul 2006 21:29:29 GMT

I forgot my GRE book today for work. I really really miss it. Without something to procrastinate on, the time goes by SO slow. God, this will never happen ever again. Me <3 GRE. Speaking of school stuff I was talking to my parents and I've been seriously considering staying another year and not going off to graduate school immediately. It's somewhat stupid because by this spring, whether I want to or not, I'm going to have more than enough credits to graduate. But the fact that I'm highly unmotivated for graduate school, have no idea where I want to go, don't know what area I want to go into once I'm in there is kind of a problem. An alternative to this is taking a year off but I don't like that idea very much; not doing anything for a year will drive me nuts and will make me even lazier. Eh, but whodda thunk I would stay for four years for undergrad? Man, since freshman year, I've had plans of getting a Ph.D by the time I'm 25 and now suddenly I have no freaking idea what I want to do. Neuroscience? I like it but it's too research oriented to be a career. Clinical? Most likely if I can even get in; it's as competetive as med school. Some other field? Maybe...but what? It's so confusing and I'm so tired for thinking about it. If I do stay another year, I want to retake the Psychology GRE too...and I need to get a research position...and a scholarship for next year.

I've been having a lot of fun lately. For Matty's birthday, I ended up getting him a Playstation Portable. I felt kinda bad though because he had to spend another 200 to buy the games and stuff for it. *sigh* If only I were rich, I could get him the whole deal. On Monday (his b-day), we went to Waterworld. It was sooo amazing even though I've gone there a billion times. We only went on a few rides and spend some time in the wave pool but it was the best! Everything about it had this weird magical quality and I can't wait until we go back again. Afterwards, we went to Il Fornaio and had yummy food and dessert. I even got the waiter to stick a mini candle in the desert :-P Hehe my man's 22 now...he's an old guy!

Not sure if I mentioned this in my lj but recently Jewel had been pulling out her fur with her teeth and has a bunch of lesions on her back where the bald spots are. Being the paranoid hypochondriac owner that I am, I took her down to the vet. Yep it only took us $70 to figure out she has fleas. Apparently, both my cats have fleas but Jewel was allergic to some of the toxins from the bite; hence the lesions on her back. I didn't even know you can get fleas here in Colorado! I have a sneaking high suspicion that Dusty was the one that gave it to them. They've been going out for two years and never had trouble, but when the new cat got here (who also happened to be stray), they start getting the parasites. Grr... new kitten $75, getting rid of fleas $70, ticket on the way to bringing kitten to vet $10, getting rid of kitten...priceless.